Your Show Horoscope is the time when I wrap a Stevie-Nicks-shawl around my shoulders, light some copal incense, and peer into a murky crystal ball to divine your future. Rather than the All-You-Can-Eat smorgasbord overload of our show calendar, it’s more like a tiny perfect sandwich made just for you, with the crusts cut off just how you like it, and a little thermos of tomato soup on the side.

FOR THE PIZZA LOVER

You were putting hot dogs in your pizza crust long before Pizza Hut; hell, they jacked that idea from you, and no one can convince you otherwise. You burn your mouth on the sauce everytime, because you just can’t wait for it to cool down enough to eat safely. You’re either on Team Bagel Bite or Team Pizza Roll, and you hate the opposing team with a vengeance. You have a pizza pentagram tattoo, and the local by-the-slice place recognizes you as the person who gets a cold slice to go so that you can warm it up fresh in your oven once you get to the proper level of stonedness.

Closet Burner, Sputter, The Disinherited, Tigress
This is a benefit show *tonight* for everyone’s favorite queercore fest, which I previously wrote about for xoJane. It’s free to get in, but please donate! Also, buy some pizza: $1 per slice sold between 8:30-10:30pm goes to Fed Up Fest!
Dimo’s Pizza, 1615 North Damen Avenue
Tuesday, June 23rd at 9pm / AA

Skip Church, Glyers
Swing by Chicago’s chillest record store with the best in-store sight lines for Tip Your Delivery Boy: A pizza themed art show benefiting the Greater Chicago Food Depository. All art proceeds will benefit hungry people here in town, and Dimo’s Pizza will be donating slices to make sure you don’t go hungry, either.
saki, 3716 West Fullerton Avenue
Sat, July 11, 6pm / free / aa

YOU NEED A CHANGE OF SCENERY

Listen, it’s not that you have anything against seeing Yet Another Show at your favorite venue. There’s a reason it’s your favorite venue, after all. But as the weather warms up, the idea of drinking one more lukewarm Tiger tallboy in “your” corner makes you want to scream. Why not try something new?

Bongripper, Oshwa, Taught Abroad
If seeing a stoner doom band play at the foot of a towering monument crowned with a screaming eagle is old hat to you, please relocate to Mars where you can perhaps find new, challenging experiences.
Logan Square Monument at Logan Square Arts Festival
Fri, June 26, 5pm / $5 suggested donation / all ages

The Last Flowershop Show: 6 Bands TBA
Flowershop has been claiming every show they throw is their last show for a while now. Maybe this one will actually be the last one. Maybe it won’t. Either way, it’s still going to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
The Flowershop
Fri, June 26, 8pm / $5

Fountainsun, Wrekmeister Harmonies, HIDE
Dude. It’s in a cemetary. That’s pretty cool.
Bohemian National Cemetery, 5255 North Pulaski Road
Thu, July 2, 7pm / $20 / 21+

Murder City Devils, Diarrhea Planet, Swirlies, Nobunny, EZTV
Isn’t it about time you introduced your seven year old to Diarrhea Planet? Thanks to the magic of all ages street fests, you finally can.
Chicago Avenue between Damen Ave and Wood
Sun, July 12, 12pm / West Fest / $5 suggested donation / AA

No Age, Sun Foot, Devin Gary & Ross
This is a totally unique event called Generationalpictomusicapolis (try saying that three times fast); it’s a “is a celebration of collaborative music and art-making.” Did I mention the “Gary” in Devin, Gary & Ross is GARY FUCKING PANTER? THE GUY WHO DID THE SETS FOR PEE-WEE’S PLAYHOUSE? Yeah. Now I did.
Co-Prosperity Sphere, 3219-21 South Morgan Street
Tue, July 14, 8pm / $12 / $15 / 17+

YOU CAN’T PAY MY TELEPHONE BILLS, YOU CAN’T PAY MY AUTOMOBILES

Oh, honey. Top Ramen for dinner again? Is that….is that duct tape holding your Converse together? You know that me and your dad can always….no, no, I get it, I’m glad you’re trying to save money, but….ok, well, do me a favor and at least treat yourself to some free shows, ok? And call more often. I miss you.

Chastity Belt
If, for some reason, you can’t make their set at the Bottle tonight but you are able to get out of work with basically zero notice, you can totally see Chastity Belt for free this afternoon at the Wicker Reckless.
Reckless Records, 1379 N Milwaukee Ave
Tue, June 23, 4:30pm / free / all ages

Bleach Party, The Van Goghs
Bleach Party play really fun fuzzy party punk and I love them. Keep an eye on ChicagoSinglesClub.com for an upcoming exclusive single.
The Whistler, 2421 North Milwaukee Avenue
Wed, June 24, 8:30pm / 21+ / Free

Absolutely Not, Foul Tip, Radio Shaq, Gnar Wave Rangers
Last time I was at Cole’s, for the Fungi Girls show, a stranger came over to me to tell me how much he likes my Twitter account (he is alone in this sentiment; don’t follow me) and I got to point out that there’s a nine-foot-high portrait of me painted in the bathroom of Cole’s from when I was like, 23 and didn’t completely hate hanging out in Logan Square bars yet. Anyway, if you haven’t seen it, go check it out, and ignore the fact a bitter ex wrote my phone number all over it telling people to call me for a good time back in the day.
Cole’s Bar, 2338 North Milwaukee Avenue
Fri, June 26, 10pm / 21+ / Free

Sewers, Den
Cleo’s has $10 pitchers and $6 nachos on Sundays if you want a thing to walk to after.
Permanent Records, 1914 West Chicago Avenue
Sun, July 5, 5pm / Free / AA / BYOB

Dead Moon, Spray Paint, Negative Scanner, Jamaican Queens, Absolutely Not, Tjutjuna
Heads up: people manning the gates at city street fests really don’t care if you pay the $5 or not. Even if you pony up, though, $5 to see Dead Moon is a deal. Their show the day before at The Empty Bottle has been sold out for ages.
Chicago Avenue between Damen Ave and Wood
Sat, July 11, 12pm / West Fest / $5 suggested donation / AA

The Sueves, Teenage Moods
Getting Suevey is the new getting wavvy.
Cole’s Bar, 2338 North Milwaukee Avenue
Sat, July 11, 10pm / free / 21+

YOU LIKE METAL

We don’t actually write about metal here on Store Brand Soda. Or, rather, we don’t know what to write about metal. We’ve always been more comfortable in glitter eyeshadow than corpsepaint, and it’s such a big and convoluted scene that we leave the in-depth coverage to people who can actually decipher Christophe Szpajdel’s handlettering at a glance. At the same time, the borders between the ground we cover and the blood-dripping and bat-infested territory of metal are so blurry; it’s not too far of a stretch to find a Weekend Nachos show on our calendar. Here are some shows a little closer to that border, for intrepid wanderers and devout devotees alike.

Bongripper, Oshwa, Taught Abroad
Oshwa plays at 7:30, Bongripper plays at 9:00pm.
Logan Square Monument at Logan Square Arts Festival
Fri, June 26, 5pm / $5 suggested donation / all ages

Nervosas, Red Dons, Mac Blackout Band, Daylight Robbery
Mac Blackout Band has a new drummer (well, new to MBB; he’s always played with frontman Mark in another project, Mickey). The new rhythm section has taken MBB in a more glammy classic metal direction, and I’m really into it, actually. If you miss this show, they’re also playing the next day at Observatory, and a few days later at East Room. Check the calendar, homie.
The Burlington Bar 3425 W Fullerton Ave
Thu, June 25, 9pm / 21+ / usually between $5-$10

Liturgy, Locrian
I promise to never stop thinking it’s hilarious that the dude from Liturgy is a oil heir billionaire. Maybe all the assholes who steal stuff from the vans of extremely broke bands should pick better targets.
The Empty Bottle, 1035 North Western Avenue
Sat, July 18, 9pm / 21+ / $10

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED PUNK SHOWS

You’re a cool person. You’re not a jerk, your politics are chill, you generally care about the right stuff. All these bands have cool people in them too. Maybe you should go make friends?

Broken Prayer, Hound, Fake Limbs & Split Feet
Jes Skolnik is a major inspiration behind all my writing and their band, Split Feet, is rad. All these bands are rad.
Subterranean, 2011 West North Avenue
Sat, June 27, 7pm / $8 / 17+

Negative Scanner, Scary and the Scrapers, Bad Eric, Wriggle, The Jig
My roommate is in Negative Scanner and they have a new album coming out on Trouble in Mind and I’m so fucking proud I could spit.
Old Mount Happy
Tue, June 30, 7pm / $7-$8 / everyone welcome

Dick Diver, Cococoma, Clearance, Comm to Black
Ok, obviously Australian band Dick Diver are the headliners, touring in support of their new album out on Trouble in Mind. However, we have to give a shout-out to locals Cococoma (LEGENDS, THEY ARE) and newbies Comm to Black, who are still figuring things out but are worth supporting because there’s a pretty good chance the tall guy in the leather jacket is gonna put out your next record.
The Empty Bottle, 1035 North Western Avenue
Wed, July 1, 9pm / 21+ / $10

Ivy, Fad, Sin Orden, Liquids, Go-Go, Udusic
This is a really cool hardcore lineup, and Sin Orden are amazing, bringing brutal honesty & forthright politics to the Chicago Latinx punk scene for years now. Ivy and Fad are both touring so make sure to bring some dollars to help fill up their gas tanks and bellies.
The 2040
Thu, July 23, 8pm / $8

Blizzard Babies, Squish, Boots, Pink Bathroom
Blizzard Babies and Pink Bathroom are both great not-all-wack-dudes bands and friends of SBS! I really wanna get a crew together and go bowling first, so hit me up if you’re in.
Fireside Bowl, 2648 West Fullerton Avenue
Sun, July 19, 8pm / 17+ / $7

Frau, Broken Prayer, Boots, The Bug, TBA
I was introduced to Frau by an article about the best punk songs of 2014 I helped work on for Pitchfork, and I’m so glad I was. These feminist punks did-it-themselves all the way from the UK, so show some appreciation and show up.
The 2040
Mon, August 10, 8pm / $7-10

Homeshake, Sheer Agony, Pleasure Leftists, Negative Scanner, Split Feet
This is a while out but worth remembering.
The Empty Bottle, 1035 North Western Avenue
Sat, August 15, 9pm / $8 / $10 / AA

Sheer Mag, Royal Headache, Daylight Robbery
WHAT IS EVEN WITH THIS LINEUP, I CAN’T.
The Empty Bottle, 1035 North Western Avenue
Wed, August 19, 9pm / 21+ / $10

YOU’RE DIY UNTIL YOU DIE (OR MAYBE YOU ALREADY DIED AND YOU’RE A GHOST, WHOA)

Whether is because you love supporting your local scene, or just because you’re punk as fuck like that, you prefer your shows intimate, sweaty, and possibly violating a noise ordinance or two.

Slushy, Soddy Daisy, MOP, Slackluster, The Gold Web, Gnar Wave Rangers
Everyone’s favorite former-church-turned-sweaty-naked-partyplex has been through some rough times lately; a staggering heating bill and flooding from the recent relentless thunderstorms have left the DIY space denizens in need of some community support. Throw an extra bill in the hat, buy some t-shirts or refreshments, celebrate their indomitable spirit and Maureen’s birthday!
Young Camelot
Sat, June 27, 8:30pm / 21+ to drink / donation

Heart Attack Jizzers, Poison Boys, Wingtips, FYCs, Bitter Fruit
Wingtips are the only Chicago band on this bill! Poison Fruit is from Oakland, and everyone else is from Indiana.
The Danger Zone
Sat, June 27, 7:00pm / $6-9

EGO, Heinous Orca, The Cell Phones, The Phone Calls
♪♬♪ ring ring ring ring ring ring, banana phone ♪♬♪
Wally World
Sat, June 27, 9:05pm / $5 / 21+ / byob or hit the cheap bar

Scalped, Cracked Vessel, Sputter, Tensions
Albion House
Sun, June 28, 7pm

Daymaker, Not For You, Zach Wilson, TBA
Please note, Dollhouse DIY has moved! Don’t go to their old house!
Dollhouse DIY (New Location)
Sun, July 5, 7pm / $5

Logan & Lucille, Wingtips, Boxing Fetish, Mormon Toasterhead
Please note, Dollhouse DIY has moved! Don’t go to their old house!
Dollhouse DIY (New Location)
Tue, July 7, 7pm / $5

Dark Thoughts, Laffing Gas, Chud, Bruised, TBA
Rancho Huevos
Fri, July 31, 8pm / $7 – $10 for touring bands