Photo of Sheer Mag by Reed Dunlea

Instead of just writing a list of all the shows happening (which you can always find on our calendar), I made personalized show recommendations for people with different taste and needs! Think of it as your personal party horoscope, except based on more concrete facets of your personality rather than what stars were swimming around in the sky while your mom squeezed you out.

FOR PEOPLE WITH SOCIAL ANXIETY

You have a list of venues that you won’t go to that’s longer than the list of venues you like. The Aragon? Nah. Logan Square Auditorium? Nope. Pitchfork? Ha ha ha ha ha. You almost made me choke on my Ativan, dude.

You prefer in-stores, where you can wedge yourself between two bins of used vinyl and drink beers out of your purse until you forget that your lungs are threatening to collapse in an anxiety-implosion and actually appreciate the music, or at least stop glaring at the dude who keeps violating your personal bubble and brushing against your elbow. Barring that, you like your venues to have at least a little chill and a clear escape route.

Tinkerbelles, Burn Permits, Calyx, Bad Dreams, Glad Rags
Auxiliary Art Center
Friday, 4/3 at 7pm, $7
Ok, so Auxiliary Art Center is a little cramped, with a high likelihood of Lucas crowdsurfing onto your face and breaking your favorite glasses (NO, I HAVEN’T GOTTEN OVER IT, OK). However, Powell Brewing usually serves up free fancy beers, allowing you to get to wasted enough to relax and enjoy yourself.

The Bingers, Glyders
California Clipper
Monday, 4/6 at 8pm, Free
In my experience Cali Clip shows run hella on punk time, but if you show up on time you can snag a booth. A reassuring, protective booth all to yourself.

Buck Biloxi and the Fucks, Heavy Lids, MAMA, Mac Blackout Band
Auxiliary Art Center
Friday 4/10 at 7pm, $7
This is a really rad line-up in a really small space.

Flesh Panthers, NE-HI
Plumbers Hall
Saturday 4/11 at 11:30am, $7
Chirp Record Fair. For extra chillness, spend $25 on early admission from 8-10am. Almost no one will be there, and it allows readmission all day long in case you need to go lay down in your room and breathe deeply for a little bit.
EDIT: Looks like Flesh Panthers has been replaced with Ragged Claws.

FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE CUTE THINGS

The kawaii aesthetic rules your life. Your bathroom is a pristine shrine to Hello Kitty. You own shoes with little kitty cat faces on the toes, you know who Purin is, and you’ve dyed your hair cotton candy pink with Manic Panic at least once.

Shouldn’t the music you listen to be as cute as your vintage My Little Pony Collection?

Gar Gar Band, Dream Version, George John Larson
Chicago Access Network Studios, 322 S. Green St. Chicago IL
Saturday 3/28 at 3pm, Free
This is a Chic-a-Go-Go taping. Chic-a-Go-Go, if you’re not aware, is a public access TV show where “kids of all ages” dance to cool tunes. There’s always cool old punk parents and little toddlers in tiny leather jackets wandering in front of the camera at inopportune moments. Aww.

Peach Kelli Pop, Frankie Teardrop
Empty Bottle
Monday 4/13 at 9pm, Free
Peach Kelli Pop plays the sweetest sugariest dream pop. It’s like, the kind of music a manic pixie dream girl with perfect hair and a polka-dotted dress would listen to on her toy record player while laying on her floor and sighing about her crush on you.

Sheer Mag, Muscles Plant, Coneheads, MAMA
Albion Haus
Monday 4/13 at 8pm, $7
The bassist and guitarist in Sheer Mag are brothers! THASS ADORABLE.

Get Up with the Get Downs, Nasty Snacks, Cole DeGenova, Charles Walker Band
Subterranean
Saturday 4/18 at 8:30, $10-$15, 17+
Get Up with the Get Downs is a James Brown cover band, and all the horn players rehearse little dance moves together. Come on, that’s so cute.

Colleen Green, Upset
Beat Kitchen
Monday 4/13 at 8:30, $10 – $12, 17+
God, I fucking hate Colleen Green. She just thinks she’s so twee and clever and I hope her stupid pretty face collapses in while she’s singing her dumb crappy music. All this is probably why you like her, with her dumb little cartoons and shit.

YOU’RE A TEENAGER

Your face is full of pimples, your heart is full of angst, and your State ID won’t let you into The Bottle. What’s a little rock-n-roll baby to do? Revel in the glory of the all ages show.

Gar Gar Band, Dream Version, George John Larson
Chicago Access Network Studios, 322 S. Green St. Chicago IL
Saturday 3/28 at 3pm, Free, AA
Chic-a-go-go is for real all ages, like, there will probably be some people wearing diapers there.

ShowYouSuck, Sophagus, Tornup
Bric-a-Brac Records
Saturday 3/28 at 5:00pm, Free, AA
One-man pizza party and rapper ShowYouSuck will be bringing his posi vibes to everyone’s favorite garage rock record store.
EDIT: Bric-a-brac tweeted a different line-up without ShowYouSuck today; I don’t know if the lineup has changed, if I hallucinated the Facebook event I saw, or if it’s a “secret guest” dealie.

Pity Sex, Whirr Adventures, The Weaks
Subterranean
Saturday 4/4 at 8pm, $12-$14, AA
Pity Sex were one of Store Brand Soda editor Emily’s Riot Fest favorites.

Twin Peaks, Spike & The Sweet Spots, Mike Donner
East Room
Wednesday 4/8 at 9pm, $5
Ok, this is actually a 21+ show, but if you actually like Twin Peaks you’re probably a 16 year old girl at heart.

Colleen Green, Upset
Beat Kitchen
Monday 4/13 at 8:30, $10 – $12 / 17+
Beat Kitchen is pretty good about doing 17+ and AA shows, actually.

Waxahatchee, Girl Pool
Beat Kitchen
Friday, 5/8 at 7:00pm, AA
There’s another Waxahatchee gig at The Empty Bottle for those of you who aren’t still trying to grow a little peach fuzz mustache.

FOR THE BASEMENT DWELLER

Your pants are held together by patches and you’re D-I-Y-ing until you die. These house shows will provide for your cop-hating heart. As for the location: ask a punk, punk.

My Parade, Boots, Bruised, Garbage Friends
Weenie Hut Jr’s
Saturday 3/28 at 7:00pm, $8
This is a benefit for Black & Brown Fest and Fed Up Fest! No drinking or drugs, please.

Hounds of Hate, Public Assault, The Bug, Muscles Plant
Albion Haus
Wednesday 4/1 at 7pm, $5
Not an April Fool’s joke.

Cult Leader, Hollow Earth, Angry Gods, Stay Asleep
Club Rectum
Thursday 4/2 at 7pm, $5
Email davidcollisdavidcollis@gmail.com for the address.

Violent Reaction, Arms Race, Public Assault, The Wrong, Dominadora
Old Mount Happy
Tuesday 4/7 at 7pm, $7-10
There’s a bunch of bands touring all the way from the UK, so pay what you can to support them!

Sheer Mag, Muscles Plant, Coneheads, MAMA
Albion Haus
Monday 4/13 at 8pm, $7
Sheer Mag is completely unstoppable right now and this is going to be an incredible show.

Born, Toupee, Coneheads, Dominadora
Old Mt Happy
Monday 4/27 at 8pm, $7
Born is from frigging ICELAND, dudes.