Your Show Horoscope is a regular Store Brand Soda feature where I predict what shows you are going to go to based on your personality and character. No zodiac signs, just cheap beer and guitar feedback. Only certain shows are profiled; you can find many, many more on our calendar.

YOU LOVE REPETITION

You eat a peanut butter and jelly for lunch every day. You’ve been dating the same person for 5 years. Others might chase new, exotic thrills, but you’ve always been comforted by the nostalgic intoxication of the familiar.

Hollow Mountain, Slushy, Today’s Hits, The Lemons, The Eye Dolls
Slushy, Today’s Hits, and The Lemons share/swap around enough members that this show is going to be like eating mashed potatoes with french fries and rellenos de papa on the side and some Ruffles for dessert.
Emporium Arcade Bar, 1366 North Milwaukee Avenue
Tuesday, 5/14 at 8pm / Free / 21+

Today’s Hits
James is gonna play 100 songs in a row! So if you want to hear, like, 60 songs about being sad about girls, grab a $13 cocktail and settle in.
The Whistler, 2421 North Milwaukee Avenue
Tuesday, 5/7 at 9:00pm / Free / 21+

YOU MESS WITH TEXAS

I just came back from a trip to Texas, so their scene is very much on my mind, for both good and bad reasons. You’re gonna hear more about the bad (we have a big article scheduled for Monday), but for now, let’s focus on the positive: there’s a bunch of really awesome bands coming out of Texas, and some of them are even playing here soon.

Big Joy, Sweet Spirit, The Iceberg, Impulsive Hearts
Sweet Spirit is an Austin band who shares member Sabrina Ellis with A Giant Dog, who we love a lot.
The Burlington Bar 3425 W Fullerton Ave,
Sat, 4/25 at 9pm / 21+ / usually around $8

Flesh Lights, Flesh Panthers, Son of a Gun
Flesh Lights are like, the worst band to google without remembering to append “bandcamp” or whatever. Anyway, I saw them at an all ages in Austin when I was down in Texas and I swear, I thought the drummer was gonna crack a cymbal they were drumming so hard. Young, fast, and fun, with a few poppy crooners thrown in for good measure.
The Mutiny, 2428 North Western Avenue
Tuesday, 5/26 at 9:00pm, Free, 21+

Radioactivity
You like Bad Sports? You like Marked Men? You like The Mind Spiders? Then you like Radioactivity. They’re one of those bands you can make an intricate family tree for, with all the branches showing various other bands the members are in, or you can just tell your nerd brain to shut up and throw your dirty hair around.
The Empty Bottle, 1035 North Western Avenue
Friday, 7/24 at 9:00pm, $10 / 21+

YOU JUST WANNA FUCKING PARTY

All you wanna do is have some fun. You got a feeling you’re not the only one.

Vamos, Ego, Dead Space, Mama, The Man
Duuuuuuuude The Man are so evil and so nefarious and so good.
Wally World
Sat, 4/25 at 9:05pm / byob and cheap beer for sale / donate / 21+

The Bingers, Slushy, The Uglies, The Liqs, Zigtebra
I can’t be the only one who thinks the dude from The Liqs looks like a teenage version of Joseph Gordon Levitt. It gives me weird, Mysterious-Skin-related feelings.
The Dandelion
Friday, 5/1 at 9pm / 21+ / Donations Please

MAMA, Platinum Boys, Jollys, Grosse Point
Ok, you know how some bands write serious bummer songs about social issues? None of these bands do that. They just rock out onto your face with extremely brainless party tunes. Mama + Plat Boyz also have this completely unironic classic radio rock thing going on as well, which I find hilarious.
The Empty Bottle, 1035 North Western Avenue
Monday, 5/4 at 9pm / 21+ / Free

Oblivions
Party yourself into oblivion with Oblivions.
The Empty Bottle, 1035 North Western Avenue
Thursday, 5/28 at 9:00pm / 21+ / $10

Guantanamo Baywatch, Gooch Palms, The Lemons
Guantanamo Baywatch are basically always touring, storming cities with bottles of tequila, painted-on pants, and summer surf vibes. This is the first show I’ve seen them play in Chicago at a non-DIY-venue in a while and it’s gonna be a jammer.
The Empty Bottle, 1035 North Western Avenue
Sunday, 6/21 at 8:30pm / $5 / 21+

YOU’RE A BABY TEEN

ADVICE FOR TEENS: Your boyfriend probably sucks and you are definitely not going to be together forever. Your parents are probably trying really hard (and failing, but you’ll understand one day). You should go to these shows that let in those too young to legally drink.

Glamour Hotline, Lost Dog, Evasive Backflip, Slayer Kitty, Not for You
This is more like a mixed media art installation gallery event but bands are playing and you should go, little baby teens.
Fulton Street Collective, 2000 W Fulton St
Saturday, 4/25 at 7:00pm / $5 / AA

Nobunny, Skip Church
It’s kind of weird that Nobunny is so popular and has such a young following. “What’s that that the kids are into these days? A weird dude who wears a decaying bunny mask and high heels and possibly no pants when he plays?” Actually, it kind of makes perfect sense.
Subterranean, 2011 West North Avenue
Saturday, 4/25 at 6:00pm / $12 / AA

Treasure Fleet, Jaime Rojo, Young Marshall
saki instore!
saki, 3716 West Fullerton Avenue,
Sunday, 5/17 / BYOB / AA

Alex G, Arugula
Alex G is the kind of sad bastard music that I couldn’t care less about but my co-editor Emily ~LOVES~, which is probably why our show calendar is as varied as it is. Emily, you have any comments about Alex G? I got nothing.
Fireside Bowl, 2648 West Fullerton Avenue
Wednesday, 6/3 at 7:30 / $12 / AA

Bike Cops, BRNDA, Teen Mom, Peoples Temple of America
I wanted to make a dumb bowling joke about this show, because it’s in a bowling alley, but then I remembered I don’t know anything about bowling.
Fireside Bowl, 2648 West Fullerton Avenue
Tuesday, 6/9 at 7:00pm / 17+ / $7

Palehound, Coaster, Haki, Bedroom Sons
Haki includes Real Baby Teens right in the line-up.
Beat Kitchen, 2100 West Belmont Avenue
Monday, 5/25 at 8:00pm / Free with RSVP / $8 / 17+

Vacation, Earth Girls, The Raging Nathans, Supreme Nothing
I’m not actually sure if this is all ages, but it’s at a DIY space that doesn’t allow drinking or drugs, so while I don’t to want to speak for the organizers probably most cool not-oppressive people will be welcome.
Weenie Hut Jr’s
Monday, 5/7 at 7:00pm / $7

YOU LOVE FESTS

No, not the kind of festival where you bury a bottle of vodka in Grant Park at the stroke of midnight so you can dig it up later and party to some band with a song in an iTunes commercial. The kind of fest where a record label takes over a dark, dingy venue for days and shares all their favorites with you. Speaking of: who’s driving down to Goner Fest this year? Hit me up.

Slippery Kingdom Fest

The Burlington Bar 3425 W Fullerton Ave
All events $8 and 21+, doors at 8:00pm, show at 9:00pm

Thursday, 4/30: Opening Party with Power Haunts, Blind Moon, Strange Lovelies
Friday, 5/1: Multicult, Moral Void, DEN, Street Creature
Saturday, 5/2: Dam Gila, Luggage, Michelles, The Symposium, Glyders

Hozac Blackout Fest

The Empty Bottle, 1035 North Western Avenue
All events 21+; art opening is $5, all other nights $20, 3 day pass $40

Sunday, 5/10: Opening Art Show with The Yolks, Werewheels, Skip Church
Friday, 5/15: Real Kids, Cozy, Platinum Boys, MAMA
Saturday. 5/16: The Avengers, Sweet Knives, Nervosas, THING, Gross Pointe

So, Nervosas are a Columbus, Ohio band that we’ve heard unchill things about. The story (which we do not have first hand) is that a girl was raped by someone they’re friends with. When she spoke publicly about the rape, members of Nervosas defended him and harassed her: just your general, rape culturey, “he’s our bro and we’re picking being friends with him over you feeling safe” kind of bullshit. I heard this through friends, but I found a reference to it here. Stuff like this doesn’t get talked about enough. I personally don’t feel comfortable paying $20 to go to a Nervosas show, and I don’t feel comfortable listing them here without giving you the information to make your own decision.

EDIT: Mickey from Nervosas has commented in our comment section. Scroll down or click here to see the response.

Arts N Drafts

Auxiliary Art Center, 3012 West Belmont Avenue
Reed’s Local, 3017 W Belmont Ave
$10 gets you into both venues all night / 21+

Saturday, 5/16 at 7:00pm: Indonesian Junk, The Gnar Wave Rangers, Baby Money, DEN, MTVGhosts, The Baby Magic, The Liqs

This is a really rad little DIY fest taking place at both a local art space and their neighbor, a cool little dive bar. They’re gonna be selling BBQ on the patio at Aux so bring that cash, honeys.

Instead of just writing a list of all the shows happening (which you can always find on our calendar), I made personalized show recommendations for people with different taste and needs! Think of it as your personal party horoscope, except based on more concrete facets of your personality rather than what stars were swimming around in the sky while your mom squeezed you out.

FOR PEOPLE WITH SOCIAL ANXIETY

You have a list of venues that you won’t go to that’s longer than the list of venues you like. The Aragon? Nah. Logan Square Auditorium? Nope. Pitchfork? Ha ha ha ha ha. You almost made me choke on my Ativan, dude.

You prefer in-stores, where you can wedge yourself between two bins of used vinyl and drink beers out of your purse until you forget that your lungs are threatening to collapse in an anxiety-implosion and actually appreciate the music, or at least stop glaring at the dude who keeps violating your personal bubble and brushing against your elbow. Barring that, you like your venues to have at least a little chill and a clear escape route.

Tinkerbelles, Burn Permits, Calyx, Bad Dreams, Glad Rags
Auxiliary Art Center
Friday, 4/3 at 7pm, $7
Ok, so Auxiliary Art Center is a little cramped, with a high likelihood of Lucas crowdsurfing onto your face and breaking your favorite glasses (NO, I HAVEN’T GOTTEN OVER IT, OK). However, Powell Brewing usually serves up free fancy beers, allowing you to get to wasted enough to relax and enjoy yourself.

The Bingers, Glyders
California Clipper
Monday, 4/6 at 8pm, Free
In my experience Cali Clip shows run hella on punk time, but if you show up on time you can snag a booth. A reassuring, protective booth all to yourself.

Buck Biloxi and the Fucks, Heavy Lids, MAMA, Mac Blackout Band
Auxiliary Art Center
Friday 4/10 at 7pm, $7
This is a really rad line-up in a really small space.

Flesh Panthers, NE-HI
Plumbers Hall
Saturday 4/11 at 11:30am, $7
Chirp Record Fair. For extra chillness, spend $25 on early admission from 8-10am. Almost no one will be there, and it allows readmission all day long in case you need to go lay down in your room and breathe deeply for a little bit.

FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE CUTE THINGS

The kawaii aesthetic rules your life. Your bathroom is a pristine shrine to Hello Kitty. You own shoes with little kitty cat faces on the toes, you know who Purin is, and you’ve dyed your hair cotton candy pink with Manic Panic at least once.

Shouldn’t the music you listen to be as cute as your vintage My Little Pony Collection?

Gar Gar Band, Dream Version, George John Larson
Chicago Access Network Studios, 322 S. Green St. Chicago IL
Saturday 3/28 at 3pm, Free
This is a Chic-a-Go-Go taping. Chic-a-Go-Go, if you’re not aware, is a public access TV show where “kids of all ages” dance to cool tunes. There’s always cool old punk parents and little toddlers in tiny leather jackets wandering in front of the camera at inopportune moments. Aww.

Peach Kelli Pop, Frankie Teardrop
Empty Bottle
Monday 4/13 at 9pm, Free
Peach Kelli Pop plays the sweetest sugariest dream pop. It’s like, the kind of music a manic pixie dream girl with perfect hair and a polka-dotted dress would listen to on her toy record player while laying on her floor and sighing about her crush on you.

Sheer Mag, Muscles Plant, Coneheads, MAMA
Albion Haus
Monday 4/13 at 8pm, $7
The bassist and guitarist in Sheer Mag are brothers! THASS ADORABLE.

Get Up with the Get Downs, Nasty Snacks, Cole DeGenova, Charles Walker Band
Subterranean
Saturday 4/18 at 8:30, $10-$15, 17+
Get Up with the Get Downs is a James Brown cover band, and all the horn players rehearse little dance moves together. Come on, that’s so cute.

Colleen Green, Upset
Beat Kitchen
Monday 4/13 at 8:30, $10 – $12, 17+
God, I fucking hate Colleen Green. She just thinks she’s so twee and clever and I hope her stupid pretty face collapses in while she’s singing her dumb crappy music. All this is probably why you like her, with her dumb little cartoons and shit.

YOU’RE A TEENAGER

Your face is full of pimples, your heart is full of angst, and your State ID won’t let you into The Bottle. What’s a little rock-n-roll baby to do? Revel in the glory of the all ages show.

Gar Gar Band, Dream Version, George John Larson
Chicago Access Network Studios, 322 S. Green St. Chicago IL
Saturday 3/28 at 3pm, Free, AA
Chic-a-go-go is for real all ages, like, there will probably be some people wearing diapers there.

ShowYouSuck, Sophagus, Tornup
Bric-a-Brac Records
Saturday 3/28 at 5:00pm, Free, AA
One-man pizza party and rapper ShowYouSuck will be bringing his posi vibes to everyone’s favorite garage rock record store.

Pity Sex, Whirr Adventures, The Weaks
Subterranean
Saturday 4/4 at 8pm, $12-$14, AA
Pity Sex were one of Store Brand Soda editor Emily’s Riot Fest favorites.

Twin Peaks, Spike & The Sweet Spots, Mike Donner
East Room
Wednesday 4/8 at 9pm, $5
Ok, this is actually a 21+ show, but if you actually like Twin Peaks you’re probably a 16 year old girl at heart.

Colleen Green, Upset
Beat Kitchen
Monday 4/13 at 8:30, $10 – $12 / 17+
Beat Kitchen is pretty good about doing 17+ and AA shows, actually.

Waxahatchee, Girl Pool
Beat Kitchen
Friday, 5/8 at 7:00pm, AA
There’s another Waxahatchee gig at The Empty Bottle for those of you who aren’t still trying to grow a little peach fuzz mustache.

FOR THE BASEMENT DWELLER

Your pants are held together by patches and you’re D-I-Y-ing until you die. These house shows will provide for your cop-hating heart. As for the location: ask a punk, punk.

My Parade, Boots, Bruised, Garbage Friends
Weenie Hut Jr’s
Saturday 3/28 at 7:00pm, $8
This is a benefit for Black & Brown Fest and Fed Up Fest! No drinking or drugs, please.

Hounds of Hate, Public Assault, The Bug, Muscles Plant
Albion Haus
Wednesday 4/1 at 7pm, $5
Not an April Fool’s joke.

Cult Leader, Hollow Earth, Angry Gods, Stay Asleep
Club Rectum
Thursday 4/2 at 7pm, $5
Email davidcollisdavidcollis@gmail.com for the address.

Violent Reaction, Arms Race, Public Assault, The Wrong, Dominadora
Old Mount Happy
Tuesday 4/7 at 7pm, $7-10
There’s a bunch of bands touring all the way from the UK, so pay what you can to support them!

Sheer Mag, Muscles Plant, Coneheads, MAMA
Albion Haus
Monday 4/13 at 8pm, $7
Sheer Mag is completely unstoppable right now and this is going to be an incredible show.

Born, Toupee, Coneheads, Dominadora
Old Mt Happy
Monday 4/27 at 8pm, $7
Born is from frigging ICELAND, dudes.